She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize