I smell stomach acid.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think I just sharted jello shots
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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