All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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