My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
