listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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