Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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