You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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