ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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