Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Even my vagina gasped.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
