I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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