If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
