Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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