the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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