these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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