She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
