I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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