i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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