my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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