I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
