Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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