Four minutes until I can fart!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All the doctor said was why
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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