Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i think i just lost a toe
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize