If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
