john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize