It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
