Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize