in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
