girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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