I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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