you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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