I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
