Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize