You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
