i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
