Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
