Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
