I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
