I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
