I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize