Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
