dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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