The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
