You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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