I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
