It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
