I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
