do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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