I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
