I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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