LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
