We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
