Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
