I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Randomize
