just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
