My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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