he was CRYING into my vagina
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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