but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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