It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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