oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
