In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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