he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
