Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
