now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
