I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
