Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
