I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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