tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
