I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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