so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize