Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
